Midnight Rambles

The picture of my life.

Kids, kids and more kids.

I want to go out dancing with some friends. 'Cept all my friends that can do that live time zones away.

Cried at a friends Birthday party this week. I am very sad that she and her family are moving away. Shocked myself and how affected I was by this news since it wasn't too long ago that people were crying at my good-bye party. This couple I love like Brother and Sister. I am in love with both of them. He is my partner in the kitchen, we bonded over a shared family recipe. She is a wise and generous and has been a person for me to confide in. Their son is a combination of he and she. Good people.

The picture of my life is not what I pictured. Corporate husband who is gone a lot and getting fat. Spends so much time commuting that he isn't around much. Haven't seen my husband except to hand off kids. Too tired for sex but having crazy wild fantasy dreams. Why did I get married?

So many changes this year that my head is spinning and I am not sure where to fit in. I am officially a Leader Applicant for Attachment Parenting, have added pre-natal fitness instructor to my resume. I've made so many changes that I have decided not to try to find my resume that was lost in the move across the country. It looks like I am changing careers. Spent an hour looking at herb websites and dreaming about going to moon lodges and green goddess weeks.

My wild side wants out. The oats don't need to be sown. Just need to not have schedules going through my head. The dumb arguments with my daughter about small stuff.

Feels like I am poking myself from the inside out. Wanting to stretch out of a cocoon.

There are things going on that I should be really excited about but am not. There is a pall of "I have to get the car accident paperwork taken care of." Except that every time I look at that paperwork I relive the pain and stress. I feel like I have post traumatic stress.

Maybe it's just time to go to bed. Let's see what a couple hours of sleep can do.