Summer Highs & Lows

What a whirl-wind of a couple of weeks.

Visit with mom: stressful.

Getting to know my niece better: priceless.

Visit with Dad: great.

Baking three birthday cakes and throwing a multi-birthday party celebration, watching the now three year old boy enjoying the party, playing with his friends and cousins and trying to blow out candles: priceless.

The last couple of weeks have left me in a bit of a tailspin.

I now look at all of the yard work and other chores that need to be done and wonder when I will get a chance to rest and focus on what lies ahead for me this coming fall and winter. But, what I really want to do is go out and play in the water and enjoy the sunshine with my kids and friends.

The time is upon me to pursue some money making ventures in a more serious way. I am ready to do something but still need to create the balance in family life. I really like seeing my kids but would kind of like maybe one or two days off from child care. It's difficult to be accessible 24/7. It's been a real drain on the sexual libido tank.

In between all of the family visits, trips to the city, bbq's and birthday parties we squeezed in a visit to a marriage counselor. Yep, three years and already at a marital counselor. There are aspects of the marriage that are good. Some that need fixing before it's too late. The DH is a good guy. But I am not sure that the lifestyle here in the big city is really a good one for our marriage. We don't get to see each other. I can't remember the last time we went on a date with just the two of us. I don't know what we would talk about anymore. There is actually plenty to talk about but not much time in between kids and jobs and chores. hmm, been hiding some sadness from myself it seems.

Not to misrepresent, I do enjoy most of my life but I miss my friend, the DH. Quite plainly, I am still lonely. It seems that the pressures of his job leave no room for me. Just call me the corporate widow.

His body is even morphing into the puffed belly filled suit and tie corporate body stereo-type.

All of the California easy and relaxed has been squeezed out of him. I am still holding tight to my crunchy and slower paced ways. It's not easy in a place that has a very different pace of life.

My inner Martha and inner Hippie have daily battles. I feel so domestically conflicted sometimes. damn.

Some days I am only a couple of breathes away from a full blown panic attack and nervous breakdown. The pressures of being the landscaper, household manager, maid, child care, taxi, cook/nutritionist, nurse, social worker, educator and entertainment director just overwhelm me. The pressure is mostly internal. I want to do a good job. Quality results and attention to details are important to me.

I'm going to go whack some weeds in my most imperfect lawn as I have yet to pass landscaping 101. Every time I mow the lawn I begin cursing. Because, I would much rather tend to herb gardens, butterfly gardens and planting pretty flowers. I hate grass and I refuse to slather my lawn with chemicals like my neighbors do. Hence, I have soft green lawn envy and await the day the landscaper of my dreams arrives with his low cost organic knowledge and golden trowel of fabulous landscape design bringing butterflies and songbirds to my humble home and rescuing me and my lawn from the dreaded and most evil crabgrass.